What does that mean, I am no longer an open book?
Maybe it means for me anyway, that I have learned many lessons. And there are those who will never understand, respect, or accept me as I am. So I do not have to reveal anything to them.
A FOOL UTTERETH ALL HIS MIND: BUT A WISE MAN KEEPETH IT IN TILL AFTERWARDS. PROVERBS 29:11 King James.
I used to be an open book. I write. But I also tried to be a good communicator. And I tried to express how I felt, for understanding. Sometimes, that was not returned, or reciprocated.
Last night, I had a dream about a family member finding my diary. She gave it back to me, but she was so smug about it.
I actually woke up, and searched for my old diaries, and destroyed them. Maybe I had that dream, because God reminded me, to just trust Him, and that I did not need those old diaries to grieve. Or for someone to know my past.
I went through some of the pages, and it made me cry. To know, who I was, as a young woman. Before Christ.
To see my errors. To see my sins. To see how naive I was. To see, how misguided I was. So angry. So combative. Actually pitiful. I felt sorry for myself, to see that as my past. To see how lost I was by my thoughts, grieved me immensely.
But that’s not who I am in Christ any more. I don’t feel sorry for what I have learned. In some ways, yes, I wish I had not gone through what I did. But yet, thats how I learned.
I SAID, I WILL TAKE HEED TO MY WAYS, THAT I SIN NOT WITH MY TONGUE: I WILL KEEP MY MOUTH WITH A BRIDLE, WHILE THE WICKED IS BEFORE ME. PSALMS 39:1 King James.
So, I realized I did not want to leave that behind me. I did not want others to see my despair, or frustrations, that I wrote. My fears.
I would hope, my family, or whoever knows me, would know who I am in Christ now. And remember me by what I write for Christ.
I am changed.
I once had a friend that I loved dearly, tell me that all I did was talk about myself. I took it to heart, because I respected her, and her opinion. It did hurt, because she told me this, at the end of our friendship. I had no idea those thoughts were in her heart toward me.
But I also realized, she did not understand, who I am, in the sense, that I try to help others, by my experiences, so they will not make the same mistakes. If I could warn someone or pull them from the clutches of the enemy and hells fire, I would. But I obey God in this.
THESE THINGS SPEAK AND EXHORT, AND REBUKE WITH ALL AUTHORITY. LET NO MAN DESPISE THEE. TITUS 2:15 King James.
I am not a narcissist. In fact, I am happy, being behind the scenes. Doing what I can, for the glory of God.
I am not a famous writer, I probably never will be, and I am fine with that. I am just someone, who has learned valuable lessons. So I write. I have written three books. But nobody hardly knows about that.
One of those lessons, I have learned, is to be more reserved. In the sense, its not about me, in the big picture. Its about God, and it is about Him getting glory.
HE STAGGERED NOT AT THE PROMISE OF GOD THROUGH UNBELIEF; BUT WAS STRONG IN FAITH, GIVING GLORY TO GOD; ROMANS 4:20 King James.
I believe my faith is very strong. No one cannot tell me there is not a God. And I take to heart, especially at this season of my life, to walk in that authority. By speaking my faith, by being bold, and to acknowledge God in everything I do.
IN ALL THY WAYS ACKNOWLEDGE HIM, AND HE SHALL DIRECT THY PATHS. PROVERBS 3:6 King James.
If God leads me to tell someone something about me, I will. Or in my writings. But, I am no longer ashamed. And yes, I will still try and help others. But I don’t have to leave that behind me. For others to judge. The slate is clean.
AND IN THEIR MOUTH WAS FOUND NO GUILE: FOR THEY ARE WITHOUT FAULT BEFORE THE THRONE OF GOD. REVELATION 14:5 King James.
But it was very symbolic, for me to shred those diaries. To throw my own sins, into the sea of forgetfulness. To see my past, made me sad. Oh well. I feel the release though, strangely.
FEAR NOT: FOR THOU SHALT NOT BE ASHAMED: NEITHER BE THOU CONFOUNDED; FOR THOU SHALT NOT BE PUT TO SHAME: FOR THOU SHALT FORGET THE SHAME OF THY YOUTH……ISAIAH 54:4 King James.
Thank you Lord, I praise you. I am grateful. Heres to new beginnings in Christ. With a few tears. Ironic, I did this at the first of the year. of 2020.
Being an open book does not make you vulnerable to others, to hurt you. It means, you take His book, my King James bible, and read it, understanding, that He is the greatest writer of them all, and His book, should be opened. To receive instruction, guidance, and a sense of who He is, and what will be to come.
By who you are in Christ. If you read it long enough, you will see.
I will try to do that for the rest of my life.
SET A WATCH, O LORD, BEFORE MY MOUTH: KEEP THE DOOR OF MY LIPS. PSALMS 141:3 King James.
Its all blurry now, the past. And even here, I purposely blotted out some of my thoughts, in those diary pages. But ironic, the word of God, got imposed there. As I look at this photo closely. Oh well.
Blessings, Elena Ramirez